Monthly Archive for August, 2009

Whoops I Went There Again

Having nothing much to do at 5 o’clock this morning I jumped in my clothes and raced out to Jiayuguan Fort to catch the morning sunshine. I had only planned for this day for one year and two weeks, the last two times I tried being overcast. What a cruel fate - it’s never overcast here.

Jiayuguan Fort! How many hours have I spent gazing at thee?

Of course everything is beautiful in the first light of morning: This photo hasn’t been photoshopped or touched in any way:

But the Silk Road waits for no man and this afternoon it’s back on the train. Hard sleeper this time - enough of this soft living mollycoddled and separated from the plebs! If I can’t get a good night of cards with geezers I must hang myself from the highest beam.

The Winds of History

Hoi hoi and ahead we go. Although I’ve been here before, I couldn’t resist a quick stop at Jiayuguan to see once again its magnificent fort; the end of the Great Wall and traditionally the last stop of Chinese civilisation before plunging into barbarianhood.

Through this very gate did they trudge, all the condemned transgressors of Ming dynasty and onwards, with their crime tattooed on their foreheads and more often than not their entire families with them, to seek an uncertain future outside the caring, sharing Chinese motherland. This is what they were facing:

except in those days it wasn’t a few hours’ walk to the next town, but a desert stretching into forever and beyond, if they weren’t lucky enough to hit Turpan (probably about a year’s walk) or another oasis.

The Chinese are always going on about their 5000 years of culture, and sure enough, it is an impressive … sentence. But really, if you look at China today, where the hell is the culture? Beijing is no more, old Shanghai is no more, most things that remind you visually that the country is more than five years old (a five year-old with extremely kitch taste) - gone. The whole country has turned into a faux European Disneyland only with more executions - the 5000 years of culture they always bring up if a lowly foreigner dares to question their policies about anything seems to exist only in writing.

That’s why I keep going back to Jiayuguan. Only here can you now really feel the winds of history and walk on the very stones that the condemned walked, hear the echoes of bannermen thundering in from the Gobi desert and see exactly what they would have seen.

Well, not exactly. All around the fort are smoke-belching factories; a legacy of paranoid Mao’s great plan of moving all factories into the hinterland so the Americans wouldn’t get hold of them. Those were the days.

History seems to be the last things on the mind of the red baseball-capped hordes invading Jiayuguan nowadays. The stunning mountains and desert scenery are ignored as they crouch around on the ramparts, with me, me, me in Jiayuguan! Me on a camel! Me near a tree! their photographic goal.

You can’t blame them. China is not known to be particularly kind to those who look too closely at her history.

Back In The Saddle, Chug-Chug

Not bad for a day and a half on the train! Well two nights and one whole day. But I mean if I should have walked or roller skated or whatever people do for “charity” these days, anything rather than just enjoying a hopping good journey, I wouldn’t even have got halfway to beautiful Lanzhou

Well, beautiful in a weird way, as in “the most polluted city in China” beautiful.    I’m on a mission and it is to find more SPORT slippers:

 

These slippers are the most comfortable in the universe and beyond. 8 yuan and you can walk on clouds for several months. Unfortunately they seem to be going out of fashion in southern China (having never made it across the border to HK and if you think you’ve seen them it’s only been their flatter, less comfortable cousins “no label” slippers) so I have to find their source and buy up as many thousands of pairs as I can.

Another mission:
Playing cards with as many geezers as possible and photgraphing them. This pic is from the train and the geezers excellent - just a pity there were only two of them. But two card playing geezers are better than no card playing geezers!

Mission 3 is to photograph, possibly film, the old city of Kashgar before it’s razed to the ground. But as I dawdled several minutes between finding out that it would be razed and actually going there, it’s probably too late …

 

Right! So it’s into the hinterland we go …

And people: If you’re feeling a bit blah, it’s really nothing a

good, long train trip in China can’t solve !

City Living

Perhaps you think the best thing of the morning is sitting in your car on your way to work, bumper to bumper, seething quietly into your paper coffee cup whose coffee is lukewarm because some idiot sued McDonald’s years ago when she put the coffee cup in her lap and scalded her thighs, naturally blaming McDonald’s for making the coffee too hot.

Or maybe you’re already at your desk going through 140 emails, mostly spam, thinking you could be out of there by 9 this evening if you play your cards right and don’t go out for lunch.

Or you could prefer fighting your way down the escalator to get to The Centre, where you’ll have to queue up with 600 other office workers to get to the 42nd floor where you have to change lifts, queuing again, before you can finally reach the 67th floor and the relative peace of the office.

Me, I prefer this kind of morning:

Birdsong. Hopping water buffalo and insects. Picking up dog poo.

Ah, what a great life we have in the sleepy backwater!

And from tomorrow on, my mornings will look like this:

Yes! I’m going to Kashgar by train!!!! It’s so exciting, I envy myself!

Danger! Sign”age” Ahead! (Job Creation For Plonkers part 50)

Oh no. No. Please, no more. Is the government really so desperate to create jobs that they have to pay some geezer to put up a sign warning of a gradient of 1:10????

Admittedly, a 150-year old in a wheelchair probably wouldn’t be able to push his chair up this “hill” with one finger, but I think there’s a strong possibility car drivers will manage to force their steeds “up” and across the mighty three meter bridge span.

This is a warning sign. What the hell is the warning?

I’m sure this is only the beginning of a new trend started by our innovative government. “Warning: Tarmac continues”
“Warning: No bend in road for 15 kilometres”
“Warning: Low visibility at night”

Even the 60 cm railing protecting pedestrians against a pedestrian crossing on a flat stretch of road looks intelligent compared with this.

Sr Dnld Tsng

Wei, hoi hoi and grolsch, my irate readers! If you were bow-tied wonder Sir Donald Tsang for one day and could do any 5 things you wanted, no expense spared, what would you do?

Me, I would:

1. Get rid of all private cars, extend and modernise tram lines and put most of HK’s choked multi-lane highways into tunnels

2. Get rid of all railings unless they are on balconies or protecting you from a real fall

3. Get rid of all public announcements unless they are informing you of something you genuinely don’t know, such as a plane being delayed or Hong Kong being a target of nuclear attack. We already know how to walk and sit, get on and off transport and not throw ourselves head first down escalators

4. Get rid of URA (Urban wRecking Arseholes) and put a five year moratorium of all knocking down of buildings until a group of city planning minded non-government people could be found and a real plan for conservation and enhancement of what’s already there could be made

5. Get rid of (fire) myself

Youie Tubie


 

This episode has been rather long in coming, and probably what people call “random.”  But I’m telling you, budding scriptwriters out there: It’s not always easy to come up with a plausible explanation for what a Public Security Uncle should suddenly be doing on a Norwegian farm.

Nobody was hurt during and after filming, namely because I’d brought a plastic truncheon instead of the normal heavy wooden one. Smart, eh?

Today this blog is more of a plog (a place to plug stuff) or an infog. My Canto course is now on DVD which you can get through my website www.happyjellyfish.com. Now, many people think this DVD is just stuff that’s on YouTube anyway, but that’s not the case! The YouTube episodes merely form the backbone of each lesson, the rest is teaching. YouTube episode 5 minutes, teaching 25. That kind of thing. 

I have to say those Norwegians are very law-abiding and not a little docile. As soon as they saw Mister Public Security Uncle, they stopped their cars and started fumbling for driver’s licence and registration. Must have been the moustache.

One Second Without Noise

Is it too much to ask for? It seems the ferry company I donate $1400 to each month in order to be lectured about giving up smoking and “bringing my belongings before leaving the vessel” and “walking over the “gengplenk” carefully” at one tenth of a decibel short of eardrum perforation, has installed more loudspeakers in the ceiling of the vessel, so that now, no matter where you sit, you’ll be sitting directly beneath one. Charming!

The public announcements on that particular journey now take more than ten minutes, what with the encouragement to “wash your hands with liquid soup” and “see a daughter” if you should feel a whiff of you know what porcine mammal disease. As Blog is my witness, I bet 5 dollars they will include the endless announcements in Mandarin before the year is out.

Not to be outdone by the MTR (there is now not one single second without some kind of screechy bint talking on any given journey - not one), the ferries and of course the buses and trains, now even the taxis on sleepy old Lantau Island are joining in the “who can fill more empty seconds with meaningless noise” fun. 

As I got into one of these trusty old bangers this evening, it started up. Not a screechy bint this time but an equally irritating male voice. “Wall-come to Lantau Taxi, blah blah blah…seatbelt, blah blah …”

Why! Why must you be told you’re in a Lantau taxi when frankly, there are no other taxis around? It’s an island. And don’t you think, when the bugger stopped, it started informing me that I had reached my destination? 

It’s a conspiracy. After 1997 and especially since the bowtied wonder took over, it’s been decided that there can’t be a single second without incessant noise anywhere in this city. I really envy those who can zone out audio disturbance, but I can’t. Sir Donald Tsang is a muppet? Fine. I can choose not to think about him for days at the time. Especially now that he’s hiding from the public again since his latest gaffe about representing everybody in Hong Kong.

But people screeching right into my ear about holding on to the handrail, minding the gap between the train and the platform and not throwing children overboard - I just can’t shut them out! Their voices go straight into my brain like knives. Ahhhrghhhhh

The worst thing is that it’s so eye-out tearingly, kneecap-smashingly bloody patronising. 

Hallelujah, I’m Alive Again, Innit

Just a quick message: My website www.happyjellyfish.com is running like a train in heat!!!! To celebrate this phenomenon and also the launch of my Cantonese course on DVD, I’m having a party on Friday August 14th, 7pm at Discovery Forest outdoor restaurant. It’s on top of Pier 3 in Central, opposite 4 Seasons Hotel. Be there or be rectangular!

The world’s hugest thank you to techno-genius Stephane Duchesne who’s a good friend. And patient. (Stephane, what’s a keyboard? Stephane, how do I upload photos? Stephane, big trauma, I don’t know how to make a link! Stephane, my dog has ticks! etc.)

It won’t rain Friday night. Promise!

Box The Right Tick

Oh, the human race! What are we like? I’ve just finished the first eight discs in a DVD set about the second world war, called The World At War.

First aired in 1973, it has lost nothing of its power. A lot of the footage shot after 1942 is almost unbearable to look at as it’s in colour, shot by Americans with their superior technology in everything; thankfully including weapons. 

We know from countless TV programs and crime novels that a human corpse is extremely heavy and hard to handle, but in the shots from Iwo Jima where the G.I.s  drag the corpses of Japanese soldiers out of their hiding-holes, it seems that a human corpse weighs nothing at all and can be flung about easily with one hand. At least when it’s a Japanese corpse which has had most of its limbs blown off. 

And the Japanese soldiers who eventually surrendered although they had promised to fight to the death for the emperor - mere children! The oldest looked about 12 and weighed about 40 kilos. But they were the enemy, a formidable enemy who would stop at nothing.

As were the Jews, of course. As the hours roll by from Hitler’s inauguration speech as Reichskansler in 1933 where the first thing he says is that those “Jewish tongues will be silenced,” through the ostracising, then arrest and deportation and subsequent conveyor-belt killing of Jews, to the full horror that awaited the liberating forces when they burst open the gates of the death camps, the viewer has also become immune to the awful sights.

One scene that stands out is the clearing up of such a death camp - can’t remember which one - by bulldozer. Those limp sticks of stuff, mercifully in black and white, being shoved and rolled around by the earth moving equipment; to think that they were once musicians and teachers, mothers and fathers, normal people living like we do now … impossible. 

It’s impossible to think that they once lived in full colour, woke up every morning like we do and thought life was normal. Intellectually it’s borderline possible, I suppose, but is it possible emotionally to picture those lolling skeletal arms, the staring skulls, having coffee in Berlin of a morning while listening to the wireless? No.

One gets immunised. And the people who sent the Jews to the gas chambers were also normal. Don’t know what killing ten thousand people a day will do to a person - but then they were all trained not to regard the enemy as people. You can’t fight a war and regard the enemy as a person like yourself, that would be a total cock-up. 

With this in mind I plucked six ticks off the body of my dog Piles last night. This summer has seen a terrible tick-infestation like no other summer. I used to be able to just put a tick-collar on Piles in May and that would be it; not a single tick the whole summer. Now I’ve tried Frontline ($295) anti tick shampoo ($90) and various tick collars. Nothing works. 

Last night they were sitting there embedded in his skin, laughing at me who had just spent two hours shampooing Piles and picking off tick corpses. Normally when I pick ticks, I flush them down the sink or throw them out the window.

This time, influenced by four hours of A World At War, I put them on the table and sprayed them with Bio Kill, then stood and watched them die. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel joy, but no sorrow either. 

Do they have the right to live? Probably just as much as me or anyone else. But I don’t want my dog to die of tick fever.