I left my homeland in 1988 to get away from facial hair and have never looked back. One of the great things about China is that men don’t have the follicular ability to sprout great mats of hair, facial or otherwise. Chinese men look like men should: As if their bodies are covered in skin, not some undergrowth of dubious origin.
People ask me why I hate facial hair, especially moustaches, with such unrestrained passion. Did something happen in my childhood involving facial hair? Was I perhaps molested by a gorilla? The three billygoats Gruff? Or Santa Claus?
Ha ha, I scoff. Why do people always have to read childhood trauma into everything? The reason is much simpler – I hate facial hair because it’s an affront to my aesthetic sensibilities.
Indeed, I hate all ugly things, but facial hair just triggers this insane hatred in me because it’s so unneccessary and because I like men and don’t want them to mar their faces with thicket. With all the good shaving equipment on the market today, why do guys choose, yes endeavour to, walk around looking like a throwback from 1974?
Moustaches nowadays are mostly found in Northern Europe, the Middle East and on 90% of all prisoners in the United States, so I can avoid them. Here in HK it’s the goatees that get my goat. I have come to think they’re even worse than moustaches because while moustaches are for criminals and religious misogynists, goatees are worn by so-called thinking men. What they’re thinking is that they’re hip, but they’re not.
The fascistic precision with which they have to shave around the little clusters of pubic-looking hair, makes the wearers look even less masculine than they fear they are not, because the only good-looking hair growth on a man is “forgot to shave for three days,” not “so ridiculously vain that I spend an hour with a pair of tweezers and a ruler each morning.”
And for god’s sakes, people, goatees do not, I repeat not make you look slimmer. They just make you look like a fat exclamation mark turned upside down. And a twat.